EVER HAD TO CLEANUP PUKE? I ALMOST DID

It’s no secret that I’m looking for a part-time job.

I haven’t announced it to the world by renting a billboard on I-35 or buying a 30-second spot during “The Biggest Loser,” but I’ve posted Tweets about it and mentioned it on Facebook.

And, of course, everyone knows what that means...

HELP ME!

I am still very much committed to e-Partners in Giving, but I made a promise to my wife that we would never have to be weekly plasma donors in order to pay our mortgage.

With our young company still trying to get legs, I have reached the point where it’s time to keep that promise.

Break out the want ads, start pounding the pavement ... I’m officially looking for a job, just like I did my sophomore year of high school. (Thanks to Little Caesar’s for giving a dorky 16-year-old a chance.)

A lot of people ask me, “What do you want to do?”  

Cue the intense desire to throw-up.

OR an even more vomit-inducing inquiry, 

“What are you willing to do?”

Yep...there was a little splash of puke in my mouth...OK....

swallowed it.....no harm, no foul.

Seriously, I do have a few parameters about re-entering 

the real world:

• No retail (the mall is Satan’s den)

• No fast food (even though Kevin Spacey rocked the house 

when he worked the drive thru in American Beauty)

• Nothing over 40 hours a week (please re-read paragraph five)

• No pyramid schemes (I was actually approached 

by someone when I first started this search)

Over the last couple of months, I have filled out applications and/or inquired about the following positions (responses OR lack of responses noted in parenthesis):

• Sports Program Director at YMCA 

(“We’ll be in touch.”)

• PT Activity Coordinator for Non Profit Community Center 

(No response)

• Radio Producer for 105.3 The Fan 

(Web site: “Your application has been received.”)

• Social Media Specialist / Social Networking Coordinator 

at Texas Research Institute 

(“...unfortunately your background does not meet our current requirements.”)

• “Love Movies? Articulate? Great opportunity ...” 

(No response)

With my confidence in the gutter – close to completely redoing my resume by removing any “important” titles, making my Master’s Degree disappear, and actually putting Little Caesar’s back on there.

Then I got an e-mail from a friend regarding a job opportunity. (Awwww, the power of Facebook.)

It was a forwarded e-mail and her only comment was, “You did say anything... and part time...”

The job: Carpet cleaning.

Despite frantically looking for a barf bag, I ran through my parameters – no mall, no french fries ... "why not!"

My response: “I’ll do this in a heartbeat...What do I need to do to make this happen?”

Don’t throw up! Don’t throw up!

My friend sent me the contact information of the carpet cleaner, who she knew through a friend of a friend’s second cousin. (Or something like that.)

After the initial contact, the carpet cleaner inquired about a resume.

I sent it. (No Little Caesar’s or Toys ‘R’ Us)

Are you familiar with those enzymes released in your mouth right before you chunk? Cue 'em!

CARPET CLEANER: “Can we set up a phone interview?”

ME: “Anytime.”

Cue intense dry heave.

A couple of days later we spoke for 20 minutes on the phone.

CC: “Do you like manual labor?”

ME: “Like is a strong word, but I don’t mind it.”

CC: “What kind of pay are you looking for?”

ME: “Obviously a lot, but I’m thinking there is probably ceiling for carpet cleaning – ironically enough.” (giggling a little and VERY proud of my job-related humor)

CC: “I see you have your Master’s Degree...would you have a problem being an assistant?”

ME: “Ummm...have you ever seen American Beauty? I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.”

CC: “What?”

ME: “Nevermind. No, I don’t think my educational background would impact my ability to clean carpets.”

CC: “We’ll let you know. We would want this person to get started next week.”

ME: “Do you guys ever have to clean up vomit?” 

Days passed.

I actually started sharing this opportunity with friends and family – coming to grips with my destiny.

Another day passed.

Then I got the e-mail...

They decided to “go a different direction.”

WHAT?

I’M NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO CLEAN CARPETS?

I’LL SHOW YOU!

WHERE IS MY VACUUM CLEANER?

Wait...where was the nausea?

Why didn't I smell burning feathers extinguished by bile anymore?

Where was my urge to find the closest toilet and give it a bear hug?

After I turned off my vacuum cleaner in mid-stroke, I realized that was the BEST e-mail that I’ve EVER received.

I literally stopped, closed my eyes and prayed. “Thank you, God. I’m following you and I appreciate you keeping me out of the carpet cleaning business.”

With new sense of purpose and direction, I started wrapping the cord around the vacuum cleaner. I put it back in the closet, walked to the computer and worked diligently on e-Partners in Giving for the next several hours.

Not a single urge to throw up.